A reason to give thanks

On today of all days, everyone should be grateful for all that they have. This Thanksgiving, there are many things that I am glad to have or be a part of. It is a time for reflection: of things lost and gained. Even though some of these make me sad, others make me just glad that I am alive.

Today I am most thankful for the support of family and close friends. Jen’s unconditional love and support these past 15 years, especially the past 5, has been very important to me. Without them I don’t think I would have made the strides in personal development that have come over the past couple of years. Bipolar has affected how I interacted with others and I am now able to recognize this and make changes that are for the better.

Without the help of a wonderful therapist and psychiatrist, these issues would have proliferated. Each of them has shown me tips and tricks that allow me to work on myself. I am most proud of the fact that they have given me a way to express myself and my feelings without getting angry and defensive. This, I would have to say, is the biggest step in being able to communicate clearly and effectively with others.

Our two wonderful Shih Tzus, who’ve loved me no matter what I was feeling, are also on my list. Being able to have them around as a calming influence and to snuggle with during the day has been a godsend. Although I grew up with dogs, I feel especially bonded with Beau and Huston. I appreciate them more and more every day for their unconditional love and willingness to let me get their fur wet with tears.

Last, but not least, I am grateful to have a place to call home, food to eat, enough $$ to buy medications, my health and life. It is important to know that I have a safe place to call home and enough food to eat. Without effective medications and the money to purchase them, I would not be as stable as I am today. This in and of itself is one of the most important things for me. I am also glad to still be alive. I couldn’t always say that, but am eternally thankful to be given the opportunity to see my nieces and nephews grow and to be the awesome Auntie that they have lots of fun with.

So, today what are you thankful for? It can be simple or grand, that makes no difference. What is important is that you realise that you deserve goodness and even greatness in your life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The sound of silence

Today I am enjoying the first day of blissful silence. The roofers have finally finished. They hurried to get it done before it started to snow yesterday afternoon. The noise was so awful because they were working right above me that my skin was crawling and I was getting agitated. Even earplugs didn’t help to curb the cacophony. When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I took the car out for a drive. It took a while to settle down, but then I was able to go back home and quiet the dogs, who were also agitated.

It’ll be good to get back to normal and onto my regular schedule again. That always throws me off.

Don't Judge

Be kind, don't judge.

Fe, Fi, Fo, THUMP

Well, they are still in the process of roofing our townhome. It is noisy as all get out and Huston keeps barking. We have put him on a leash to try and curb that though. Unfortunately there is nothing to be done about the giants trampling across our roof. Not even earplugs and music are making a dent in that cacophony. It is making my head spin; all I want is a bit of peace and quiet. Hopefully tomorrow will be the last day of all this craziness and I can get back onto my regular schedule again.

Life Sox

Today I had a falling out with the stairs. We are no longer friends. And I am iffy on whether or not gravity and I are still on talking terms. Being a klutz has its drawbacks. Yes, I fell down the stairs. This is not the first time and definitely won't be the last.

While carrying a clothes basket of dirty clothes, I slipped and fell down our stairs. It really hurt, bruising my backside and pride in the process. I guess I'm going back to the old way of taking clothes downstairs; I'll throw them over the railing and kick any stragglers the rest of the way. At least I'll be able to see my feet and less likely to slip again.

Are you accident prone? What are some of the things that have happened to you?

Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum!

I have been dreading this day. Today is the day our association started the process of putting a new roof on our set of town homes. They started early this morning at 7:30. It was utter pandemonium. There is a huge dumpster blocking half our driveway and a large lift device parked on the other half. That means that Jen couldn't get out of the garage to go to work and my car is blocked by the dumpster. Thank goodness I am at my parents' place for the rest of the week.

All you can hear is the thudding cadence of the contractors walking back and forth across the roof, the whomp of them setting down equipment & shingling stuff, and Huston's constant barking. To add to that, we have my parents' two dogs staying with us. Riley was running around and wouldn't settle down and Rusty was yowling & howling. Jen said that I'd want to get out of Dodge quickly and she wasn't kidding. I got everything packed and was gone in 30 minutes.

The unfortunate thing is that they will be at it until sometime late next week. Holy cacophony Batman! Not looking forward to that.

Migraines suck

There are few things that make you feel as horrible as a migraine. It is one of those whole body events, like the flu, that makes you feel like crap even after its gone. Everyone who suffers from them has different symptoms and triggers.

I didn’t get migraines until I was well into my 20’s. Who knows how or why they started, but they did. The first time I thought it was just a horribly bad headache. It was definitely that and so much more. I took some ibuprofen to get rid of it, but that didn’t even touch the migraine.

Have you ever felt like your skull has been run-through by a piece of rerod and then part of it would burst? I have. It started with a sort of kink in my neck on the right-side just below the skull. As it progressed I felt the searing pain of that “piece of rerod” being shoved slowly up and forward until it exited directly above my right eyeball. That meant that I could now feel throbbing in the right-side of my head with every beat of my heart. Added to this was an intense sensitivity to light. At one point I remember taping a folded washcloth over my right eye in an attempt to stop the fiery sword from blinding me. I’m sure I looked like a bad imitation of a pirate, but at that point I didn’t care what I looked like. This “bad headache” was torture and I would have done just about anything to get rid of it.

It only got worse from there. I ended up putting on the darkest pair of sunglasses I could find as that fiery sword had started to scorch the sight in my left eye too. I also settled a baseball hat low over my eyes to shade them more (a loose one), closed the blinds, and pulled the curtains. There was still too much light, so I ended up crawling into bed and dragging the covers over my head still wearing the “eye-patch”, sunglasses, and hat. This was much better except that it hurt to lay my aching melon on the pillow. I don’t know how long I stayed this way but it felt like a lifetime and I still wasn’t done yet.

I finally managed to shuffle out of bed and noticed, to my delight, that night had fallen. I shed the eye-patch but kept the hat and sunglasses as I turned on a lamp for a bit of light. I was hungry and although I didn’t have much energy to make anything, I thought I could handle a bowl of soup. Campbell’s was the choice. Thank goodness for modern conveniences, nothing to do but open, heat, and eat. What I didn’t know at the time was that I was also hypersensitive to smells. So, as I am heating and smelling the soup I am also getting more and more nauseous from the smell. Off to the bathroom I ran. Oh darkness, my old friend, we meet again and I see you have brought a welcomed guest, the cold porcelain god to greet me. Bless you both. It was awhile before I left their comforting arms and attempted the kitchen anew. When I got there, I promptly sent the soup down the drain. I found and ate a few crackers, and headed back to my cozy bed to await my fate.

It took over a day and a half for the migraine to abate. After that I was wiped out, physically and mentally drained. Getting over this part took the better part of a week. Then, as suddenly as it had arrived, it was gone.

I know now that two of my triggers are stress and a messed-up schedule. While there are times that I can’t help but adjust my itinerary for different events or appointments, I do try to stick to a regular timetable in an attempt to keep migraines to a minimum. Also, one of the added benefits of taking Bipolar medication is that many of them also act as migraine blockers. This is just an extra buffer to help reduce migraines and their effects.

Suffer with migraines? What do you do to get through?

Sometimes

Sometimes I call
just to hear your voice
because it is the only sound
that comforts me.
Sometimes
this is all I need
to make my world right again.

Da Boys

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.—Roger Caras

Dogs are man & woman's best friend. This is not a slight to the cat lovers out there, it is just my humble opinion. Besides, who wants to cuddle up with a warm body attached to 20 thorny claws and needle-sharp teeth that makes you wheeze and sneeze?

There are few things that bring me more comfort than the love and snuggles of our Shih Tzu. I affectionately call them Da Boys. They are my constant companions throughout the day. I can tell them anything and they'll keep the secret. I've cried into their soft hair, laughed at their antics, and curled up with them when I felt all was lost. Huston and Beau have been there through it all, without judgement, just loving me because I am part of their pack.

When I was hospitalized, one of the things that cheered me up were the therapy dog visits and being able to have Beau brought in. He lifted the spirits of the other patients with his funny tongue-out smile and willingness to be passed around and petted by everyone. That was one of the hardest parts, being separated from Da Boys. It is as connection with no expectations but to love and be loved in return (I know there's a song in there somewhere, but it sounds really good and fits).

If you have a companion like Beau and Huston, let them love you and love them back to your best ability. Our goal should be to live up to being the person they believe we are. I get a little closer every day and try to be the best pack leader I can be.

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"--Dave Barry (author)



My boy Beau

How could anyone resist this face?

Huston

Bedtime snuggles with Huston

A state of disbelief

I cannot believe that Charlie Trotter has passed on to the next life. He was an inspiration to many and I was one of them. Charlie Trotter made an impact when he stepped into the culinary spotlight. Though I never met him, I made many of his dishes and practiced his commitment to excellence in service. The thoughtful way that he and pastry chef Michelle Gayer put together their cookbooks taught me much. So, to say that he was influential in my culinary journey would be an understatement.

I remember two things vividly:

I made the poached pears filled with milk chocolate custard recipe from Charlie Trotter's Desserts. It seemed to take forever to cook the custard, but when it was done, OMG. That was the best stuff in the world. It was so silky and the flavor was subtle and exquisite. Paired with the poached pears, it was a combination I would never have put together, there was incredible depth of flavor and the presentation simply beautiful. I still dream of it and crave it to this day.

The business I worked for at the time was a small, off-site, upscale catering company. I was given the task of designing and cooking a menu for a small party of eight. That was easy as most of our gigs were for 50+ guests. Only later did I find out that the party was for Julie Andrews (yes, THAT Julie Andrews!). The compliment that she and her guests sent back sent me soaring. What was it? "This was the best meal we've had, it even beats Charlie Trotter's." Holy crap! Huge compliment and it sent me over the moon for days.

The ripples that Charlie Trotter made will have effects on us for years to come. He was a trail-blazer and will be sorely missed.


Charlie Trotter's Death

Dang it!

Lost my whole post. Getting used to this "Auto-Save" doesn't bring me comfort. That's why the post was deleted. Guess I'll just start again.

One of the most creative guys on the planet

I'm not a big fan of his show Cutthroat Kitchen, but damn Alton Brown is creative! Alton Brown had been on the Food Network for quite a while. His role with them has changed throughout the years, but he's met every challenge thrown his way. He's had several shows like Feasting on Asphalt, Good Eats, and been the host of Iron Chef America, Next Iron Chef, and Food Network Star.

I'm still enthralled by his Good Eats episodes. They are funny and informative at the same time. If you get a chance to see them on TV, they are well worth the time. If not, I think they are available on DVD and would be an asset to any collection. Alton Brown makes complicated dishes sound easy to make. He gives you step by step instructions and the science behind it too. And, besides this, he makes you laugh while doing it.

Check him out if you get a chance.


About Alton Brown

Alton Brown Tour

In Lock-up

My first experience with "lock-up" started with a trip to the hospital emergency room. I was ushered into an observation room and given aqua-colored scrubs with a big "BH" to change into. This is very different from my other emergency room visits as usually I'm given a hospital gown or can stay dressed. The other big change is that there was a security guard posted outside my room watching me and trying to be inconspicuous about it. Nice try but I wasn't buying that Happy Meal.

Because there was no Behavioral Health Unit at the hospital that I went to, I got to wait for several hours, being watched by the guard, while the staff worked at finding a place for me to go. It was a very long wait and I couldn't have done it without Jen's waiting there with me. When I finally got a room, it required a 30 minute transfer in an ambulance to another hospital. I figured, alright, I can do a transfer if it means that I'll get treatment and be safe. What I wasn't prepared for was being wrapped in blankets and strapped down from shoulder to foot. This was ostensibly for the paramedics' safety and my own. All it did was freak me out more than I already was.

Once I was admitted to the Behavioral Health Unit at the new hospital, they put me on a 72-hour hold, 24 of them separated from everyone else. This was to make sure that I wasn't a danger to myself or others. It was a rough transition because while I had a bedroom, I was confined to a small communal area with only three other people. The lights in the communal area were on 24 hours a day. In my stark private room the lights were also on most of the night, until I begged to have them turned off. Its weird to know that they were checking on me every half-hour. After awhile I didn't really care, I had been crying all day long and had a major headache; all I wanted was some peace and quiet and some sleep.

The next day, I was allowed to move into the main group. I shared a room with another gal and we were located right across from the staff station. Everything that was brought in was checked. Contraband items included clothing with ties (hoodies), tie shoes (like tennis shoes), balloon bouquets, plastic bags, cell phones, laptops, iPods, and headphones/earphones were immediately taken into the station to hold until the visitor left to take them away. It was hard for me to be without music; too much chatter going on in my head that the music could've drowned out. There was an ancient pair of radio headphones (you know, the huge ones that you see people wearing to keep the noise out at NASCAR races?). What good were they?  It was just another voice wheedling its way into my head to join the others along with static as the station signal faded in and out.

My days were highly scheduled with meals, group meetings, therapy sessions, crafting, more group meetings, standing in line to take medication, and visitors. That was my favorite part of the day, seeing visitors. Sometimes it feels as if we had fallen into an informational black hole. I know this is so we would focus on ourselves and getting better, but that sudden deficit was rough. Visitors were very important to me, it meant I had support from the outside world and hadn't been abandoned or forgotten. Jen was there almost every day. Other friends arrived bearing gifts and much needed conversation. I looked forward to hearing about their days, knowing that life was still going on.

My stay lasted a week. While this isn't considered long, it was enough for me. Medication was adjusted to give me better quality of life. I learned some coping skills and how to recognize when I start to spiral out of control. Strange that being in that environment felt safe. The thought of being released to home scared the crap out of me. But, finding out what a great support base I had was one of the things that made getting discharged easier.

Before I could officially leave, I was given a day pass to see how I handled being out in the world again. For those who don't know, a day pass is just what it says; one day (8 hrs) or evening (4 hrs) out of the BH environment in the care of a family member or friend. Mine was a 4-hour evening pass and although I was nervous, Jen made being out and about much more comfortable. She took me to one of my favorite restaurants and home to see our dogs where we sat and talked until it was time for me to go back.

It took a couple more days before I was discharged. Everything had to be in order: scripts for medication had to be written and picked up, appointments set-up with a psychiatrist and therapist, groups to attend, and daily support to coordinate. Once this plan was in place I was allowed to go home.

So, that was my experience with being in a "mental facility".  Have you been "locked-up" in the looney bin? What was your experience like? How did it differ from my experience? I'd really like to hear from you.

So Frustrated

Today I am very frustrated.

I have been trying to get Social Security Disability (SSDI) for a couple of years now. This was my second application and now I am headed for a second appeal. It is not easy to do. The process is very invasive personally and mentally taxing. When you can't work full-time because of medical restrictions it shouldn't be so hard to get assistance. It seems to me that if there are documented issues one shouldn't have to jump through hoops to prove how "disabled" they are.

The sad part, this is not abnormal, unfortunately it is terribly common. How is it that those who need assistance struggle through years of the application and appeals process? Many of them never get the help they lack and instead become disconsolate and give up. To me, that is just stupid and crazy.

Now we begin the appeal process again. Maybe someday I'll get the help I need and many others will too.