One day

I know that one day, my Dad won't be here anymore. I keep this mantra in the back of my mind when things are getting rough. You see, he's been through a lot in the past 20 years and his health is in serious decline. The hard part is that cognitively he is also headed downhill.That same vibrant guy who was my Dad, isn't anymore, now he is a grumpy, stubborn old man, much like his father.

My Dad has been put through the ringer. Most of my life he was as healthy as an ox and as stubborn as a mule. He's got Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, prostate cancer, peripheral nueropathy, diabetes, and atrial fibrillation, and that's just the start. There have been several rounds of aggressive chemotherapy and radiation to slow down the growth of the cancer. Unfortunately, all of this has had an effect on his health; causing heart deterioration, decreased blood flow to his extremities, lowered immunity, and memory issues. He's had half a foot amputated, a pace-maker/defibrillator implanted, and seen more doctors, specialists, and hospitals than most people see in their entire lifetime.

All these have health issues have adversely affected him. I remember in elementary school, he would sit in his recliner and I would sit at his feet and we would go through the Readers Digest Word Challenge. He'd read the word and the three possible definitions and I would try to figure out which was the correct one. I learned how to navigate anywhere and know where the car is parked innately because of him: instead of the directions uphill is North, downhill is South, right turn is East, and left turn is West. Now, he doesn't remember what he said five minutes ago and isn't able to get us to the car from a store in the mall. Dad is always tired and spends most of his time in the recliner napping or watching TV, that's when he isn't at doctors appointments.

Dad has also gotten more stubborn and grumpy. He used to have a great sense of humor and was pretty funny. Now, he's the only one who thinks his jibes are humorous, the rest of us find them mean-spirited and ill-timed. Little by little, he is becoming a child again, throwing tantrums and pouting when he doesn't get his way.So, its difficult to temper the person I see in front of me with the father I grew up with.

I know he isn't coming back, but in some form my Dad is still here. Each day I will try to remember that it is the illnesses and not him that are causing these unfiltered reactions. I'll remind myself that he is struggling in his own way as much as we are in our dealings with him. And above all, he is still my Dad, so I will do my best to make the most out of each moment we have together.