RIP - Robin Williams

No one is exempt from mental illness, no one. 

Today we lost a phenomenal comedian and human being. Robin Williams admittedly had a troubled passed and looked to have turned the page in creating a better life for himself. He had battled depression most of his life, but today lost the war.

As we all struggle with mental illness and its stigma, let us be reminded to fight the good fight and never give up. As long as we live, we are winning, regardless of how others see us. Support each other and remeber that you are never alone, no matter how dark and bleak things seem. Someone is there, reaching out their hand, all we need do is grasp it.

Though Robin Williams loss will leave a void, it will also shine a light on those of us still struggling. Be ready, tell your life's story, your struggles, your needs, and goals. 

Fight the good fight.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5670050?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Does this look like garbage to you?

http://voice.adobe.com/v/3JiJEpY9Gge

Life's little twists and turns

http://voice.adobe.com/v/6q96t_NsTJb

Way too soon for this

Written on February 28th, 2014

You'd think that I would be alright with close family being in the hospital, since we are there so much with my dad. That is not the case and I found it out rather quickly this past week.

We took my dad into the VA on thursday for a routine check before his pacemaker surgery. That went fine, but when we had the unscheduled appointment with his podiatrist, everything changed. I thought he had gangrene when I saw the wound on his foot. It turned out to be a combination staph and strep infection. By monday, he was in surgery to have the front of his foot amputated. He's now in an area of the hospital where he will stay several weeks for rehabilitation and therapy.

While all of this was going on, mom stayed at our place. When I saw her thursday morning I could hardly believe my eyes. She was very bloated from water weight and could barely move. Honestly, I have no clue as to how she got them ready, into the car, and drove to our place. Her energy level was at 0and it took all of that and my full assistance to get her from the driver's seat to the rear passenger seat.

By saturday, we were headed to the ER with her because she was markedly weaker and had become jaundiced. That freaked me out. She looked like a yellow version of the Pillsbury doughboy. 

New Medication

About two months ago, I started taking a new medication. The hope was that it would reduce one of the side effects I've been experiencing. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and I've become emotionally unstable.

I had been taking Adderall, which is an amphetamine. What I've noticed about taking this medication is that it causes me to sweat profusely. In the hopes of curbing this, I was changed to Vyvanse, a new medication that extends release over a longer period of time. Adderall hits the system all at once, so there is an immediate burst of energy which then tapers off. Think of it like a sugar high. Vyvanse is an extended release medication which lasts throughout the day, doling out small doses throughout the day. The thought was that by going for the longer acting drug, the effects would not be as extreme.

You might wonder what the big deal is about sweat. This isn't the usual sweat that happens as I go about my day and differ my exertion. Nope, this is walk five feet after showering and getting dressed, only to have rivulets running down my spine and drenching the back my clean shirt kind of sweat. And, it is happening in the freezing cold of a Minnesota winter! Summer brings its own special kind of hell, with wet hair, sweat dripping from my face, and clothes so soaked that they feel like they've just come out of the washing machine. It is disgusting and I don't care for it one bit.

Changing medications did not work. In fact, quite the opposite has occurred. It feels as if it has stopped working completely. I'm still sweating profusely, and I haven't been sleeping well. I can't seem to quiet my mind and relax. I'm teetering on the edge of wakefulness, unable to tilt myself towards the dark abyss. Along with this, my emotions are cycling like crazy.

I don't know what to expect from one minute or hour to the next. Last night, I was excited to go to a friend's place for dinner and minutes later was frustrated and angry, lashing out at Jen because I couldn't find my shoes, which were in the closet where I was looking. Mere seconds later, I was crying and blubbering like a baby on her shoulder. Today wasn't any better, crying off and on, I hid in the bed with dogs so as to minimize any interactions with Jen. I know it's hard on her too and it makes me feel like crap when I hurt her in the process. Swinging rapidly between mania and depression is a struggle I'm not up to right now. I would really like it to go away, but that won't happen soon.At least I see my psychiatrist and therapist in the next couple of days to help me cope with this situation.

Here's to meds that work and better days ahead.

Touch

When you reach out your hand
I hold on with a vice-like grip.
It is my tenuous connection to reality
And without it, all seems lost.
I'm afraid that if I let go
I won't make it back.

When we hug
I don't want to let go.
So I hold on
As if my life depended on it.
Hoping that being close to you
Will keep the craziness at bay.

Bring Change 2 Mind

Check out this organization and take the pledge to help end the stigma of mental illness. You don't have to HAVE a mental illness to take the pledge nor to end the stigma of those who suffer in silence with one. It only takes one person telling another person, who tells their friend, who tells a relative... well, you get the picture, right?


bringchange2mind

Emotional rollercoaster

I'm still riding the emotional rollercoaster that has wreaked havoc on my system these past couple of weeks. Struggling to get them "under control" is not so easy. I could use more days off to help with adjusting sleep and medication schedules. This will definitely not be an option for me in the future. I'll stick with what is working well for me and do what I can to improve and manage the symptoms.

I can only try my hardest and hope for the best.

Frozen

Minnesota is in the grips of another arctic blast. Today the windchill will be around -40 and tomorrow won't be any better. Schools and businesses have closed for safety reasons, but others are still carrying on as usual. The only good things about it are that there are a few science experiments that can only be done in this weather (using a frozen banana as a hammer and throwing boiling water in the air and watching it evaporate instantly) and the sun is shining.

Winter is always a tough time when struggling with depression or bipolar. There isn't enough sun and we tend to isolate ourselves indoors because of the cold weather. Hibernation isn't a great option, as it tends to separate you even farther from your support system, you lose your job for being absent, and really, no one can sleep that long besides Rip Van Winkle and bears. Note, I didn't say I couldn't stay in bed that long, just sleep.
To try to offset the effects of winter, I boost the amount of vitamin D I'm taking, drink a lot more water and juice, and try to eat more fruit/vitamin C. This doesn't always help, but at least I feel like I'm working on ways to better the situation. The next thing I'm going to look at doing is getting some full-spectrum lights.

Full-spectrum lights contain more light waves than regular bulbs. They mimic sunlight and are used for those with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). My understanding is that they help with the replenishment of vitamin D and K, those that are lost when the sun is farthest away from our hemisphere. Although I'm not a lights on type person, I prefer quasi-darkness, this is one thing that I think could make a difference during these long winter months.

That's it from here. How do you cope with the cold, loss of sunlight, and being stuck indoors for long periods of time?