Oh the relief

I don’t think that I've ever been so happy for a two-week work period to be finished. There will not be another overnight remodel in my future for a very, very long time. It was one of the worst work experiences that I have encountered. Combine that with switching my medication and sleeping schedule and it was a recipe for disaster.

The mood swings and manic states were tough to manage, not only for me, but for Jen and others around me. Being out of control and trying to control things around me to create a sense of stability was a struggle. There were many times that I felt bad and had to go back to say I was sorry for my behavior. It has been a long time since those types of things have happened and I realize that I do not like feeling like this.

Jen and I were talking about how far I have come in being able to recognize and express how I am feeling. The past two weeks have shown me how far I have come in that department, but that I still have quite a way to go. It is good that I can see the progress, but oh so frustrating to also be able to understand that the road back is going to be a long and winding one.

Well, I guess I’ll follow some good advice and “put one foot in front of the other and soon you’ll be marching right along…”


Left step: get medication and sleep schedule back on track


Right step: start back on PT morning schedule


Left step: continue therapy

Right step: ??

Its all in the name

By now, you are probably wondering about the name of my blog. Why and how I chose it? Well, that is a short but funny story. 40 Pair of Sox is about not being able to make a decision. It is also about trying not to make a mistake and making another person happy. As you well know if you have been reading my blog I have issues with excessive spending. I also trend towards the manic side and am a perfectionist at heart.

Jen and I had not been together for very long, maybe six months. We were living in separate apartments at the time. Both of us are hopeless romantics and liked to get each other gifts for no reason other than "because it was Thursday." Well, one day she mentioned that she needed a new pair of white socks (Sox). While Jen likes to accuse me of not listening to her, I am acutely aware of what she says when we talk.

About a week later I decided that I would get her a new pair of white socks so I headed to Target (our local "superstore"). I got into the store and went directly to the intimates section, 'cause duh, that's where socks are located. Once there I perused the selections, but began to wonder what kind of white socks did she really want? Too many selections to choose from: crew, 1/4, trouser, no-show, ribbed, smooth, translucent, cotton, polyester, cotton-poly blend, nylon, thick, thin, knee-high, the list goes on and on. And I kept asking myself, what kind of socks does Jen really want.

I could not make a decision. What should I do. I didn't want to disappoint her, I wanted to make her happy and bring her joy. Seeing her eyes light up at the sight of the new socks, that's it, no pressure at all. Except there was pressure and it all came from me and from the budding relationship. So, I did what any good girlfriend would do.

That's right. If you can't make a decision, cover all your bases. I bought 40 pair of socks. I bought lavender ones with butterflies, black and grey with white flowers, brown ones, multicolored striped ones, tan ones with geometric patterns, tall ones, thin ones, anything that I thought she would like went into that basket. I headed out of the store with my purchase, proud of the fact that I had made a decision and bought her socks. She would be so surprised. I was excited to give them to her. Boy was she ever excited as she pulled pair after pair of socks from the bag. Until she got to the bottom of the bag and gave me a perplexed look. Oh no, what had I done? I was filled with dread. I had gotten her everything but a pair of white socks.

We had a good laugh over that faux pax. How I overlooked that one detail, I'll never know, but it doesn't matter. She loved me because I thought of her and bought her socks.

Now you have the whole story about the name of the blog. Hope I've brought a bit of laughter into your day.

Excessive Spending

When it comes to spending lots of money, people in the manic phase of Bipolar are kings/queens of their domain, unless of course you count those with a gambling addiction. This may sound trivial as we all overspend to some extent. Many of us with Bipolar take it to an extreme level (think extreme hoarding or couponing). In my case it was a $40,000 spending spree that changed the way I lived and looked at money.

Forty-thousand-dollars, the sound of it rolls off the tongue, forty-thousand-dollars. It is a number that doesn't make sense to me because I can't even picture what it looks like. Spending all of that dough within six months time is something that I still cannot fathom. But I did. Every. Single. Penny. Was it worth it? I thought so at the time. It made me happy, I gained some material goods, and enjoyed time with my friends. Now when I look back I think, "what the hell was I doing? That is one of the most bone-headed moves I've ever made." Besides that, I have no 401K savings for retirement and I got in big trouble with the IRS.

It all started when I left the job I had been working at for eight years. I know, right?! Eight years, that is unheard of especially for someone suffering with Bi-Polar. We aren't well known for being able to hold onto jobs for very long, but that is another story for another time. Back to the excessive spending thing. So, I left my job and was contacted by HR via snail mail and sent a check for the amount of my 401K minus state taxes. This money was supposed to be rolled over into another 401K or otherwise reinvested. Is this something that I knew or knew how to do? No way, I just saw it as free money that I had earned and could spend. And so I did.

I can't tell you everything that I spent the money on. The memories aren't all there. I will tell you about the couple of items that were important to me and I remember very well. And there was the pesky detail about the IRS.  All I can tell you about that is that without Jen's help I would have continued to ignore their mail and gotten into a heck of a lot more trouble. As it was, there were still thousands of dollars that needed to be paid to the Feds to clear up my credit and get a lien removed. 'Nuff said about that, on to the fun stuff.

Every gal needs a great stereo system so she can listen to Dolby Surround Sound while watching movies in the comfort of her own home. Never mind that DVDs hadn't been invented yet, we only had CDs and cassette tapes for music and VHS tapes for movies. I did enjoy my movies and music though, it was one of the things that took me to my happy place. It still does and most of that system is in working order on our downstairs TV system. Money well spent, I guess.

All expense paid vacation in Hawaii anyone? Me please! And, of course, two of my besties. I only paid for one of my friend's flights, but did pay for most everything else on the trip for the three of us. It was a fantastic 7-day, 6-night stay near Waikiki Beach in Honolulu. Did I mention that it was during the week of the Pro Bowl? When the Pro Bowl actually meant something?

There were Cheeseburgers in Paradise, rainbows every day, food-tasting for my cousin's new restaurant, a fair to wander through, Waikiki Beach to walk along, blow holes to watch and photograph, whales to spot, the Wyland Gallery to visit. What I didn't anticipate was how good it felt to actually let go, relax, and spend some quality time with friends and family.

Pearl Harbor was in incredible experience. To learn more about what happened there and all the men who lost their lives was emotionally moving. It was such an unexpected attack with so much loss of life. The cost was immense in both military equipment and human lives. I can't really adequately put into words the feeling of being there, out on the water, knowing that people had died right under where we stood. It is something I will never forget.

We got tickets for the Pro Bowl on the spur of the moment. Actually, about 15 minutes after we got off the plane. We hadn't even left the airport, just called from a payphone (remember what those were?) and got tickets. Crazy! It was Randy Moss' first Pro Bowl and N 'SYNC was the half-time show. As if the game and half-time show were't enough, we had a beautiful view of Pearl Harbor from our seats.

There were other sights to see and places to go. See and go we did. Off to the Polynesian Cultural Center. It only took 15 minutes to get there by motor coach, 15 Hawaiian minutes that is. We enjoyed the guy/comedian who climbed coconut trees, the parade of warriors float down the river, and were fed and entertained at the Luau. The Samoan and Tongan cultures are very fascinating. Interesting that they were thought of as savages, when it was the invaders themselves who were in actuality the savages.

Next up, a day at the beach. Off to Hanauma Bay with my cousin. There was lots of excitement about being able to swim and snorkel with the fishes. On the walk down she pointed out a sea turtle cruising around the bay. When we got down there we swam with red-lipped parrot fish, which are beautiful and a bunch of other cool fish. That was just in the shallows. We were battered by fish as they went after food that was cast into the water by a group of Japanese tourists. Way too cloudy and being hit by a school of frantic, hungry fish really isn't that fun. I took my friend, who didn't swim well, out into deeper water. We paddled around cool coral formations in the crystal clear water. It wasn't until we rounded one such mound and I came face-to-face with a yellow-spotted Morey eel that we realised our peril. OMG!! All I could do was back peddle screaming, "Eel! Eel! EEL!!" with my snorkel still in my mouth. My friend didn't understand a word as I came flailing out of the water backwards and right on top of her, nearly drowning her in the process. As I finally got the snorkel out and screamed, "EEL!" again, she finally knew what my problem was. When we tried to touch it was a no go, uh-oh. We were in about 20-30 ft of beautiful blue water. It was now, after I had been scared out of my mind, shaking, and peed in the ocean that I needed to be able to swim, dragging my half-drown friend along behind, and get us back to the beach. Obviously we made it, but that encounter is one that neither of us will forget, and she will never let me live down.

Well, that's it. It was a great adventure. One that I won't forget, I don't think, especially the eel incident. Weird how some memories can be so clear, indelibly etched on my brain, but others are forgotten or foggy at best. Oh well, money well spent. Although I still wish that I hadn't been such a doofus and spent it all.

Got a story about a spending spree? Let me hear it. I know I'm not alone in this, it would be nice to hear it from someone else though.

Night


Me with a rainbow coming out of my head:

Boundless Energy

One of the great things about manic episodes is the endless amount of energy I have. There's no need for sleep, only things to do, places to see, and ideas to share. For those of you who haven't had the fun of experiencing this yourself, I'd have to say that it is kind of like being strapped to jet engines with unlimited fuel. Ready, set, GO!

One of the most notable things I've done while in a manic state was redecorate our second bathroom while my partner slept. You read that right. I redecorated the second bathroom overnight. While my partner slept! Now, it isn't a large bathroom, but it was in need of an overhaul. And we had finally agreed on a color and bought the paint.

Jen usually heads for bed later in the evening, 10-11 o'clock. I am usually in bed between 8-9pm. It was a Friday night and I just was not able to sleep; thoughts were running through my head of things I should do, I was restless, and tried everything that I knew to calm myself and fall asleep. All to no avail, so I got up and decided to do something. We live in a split-level and to be nice and not wake Jen I decided I would find something downstairs to do. No sense in both of us not being able to sleep.

This bathroom was all white: white walls, floor tiles, shower surround, and ceiling. It was like looking at a painting that is all white and then being told that the title is "albino cow in a snowstorm". I took off all the trim and outlet covers, sanded the walls and wiped them down, painted said walls, replaced the mirror, painted/stained the trim and outlet covers, fixed the vanity, removed & recaulked everything, put it back together again and put decor on the walls.

As I stood back to look at my handiwork I hear from upstairs, "Sherry? Sherry!?". For the record, I'm usually the first one to bed and the last one out of it on weekends. I called out that I was downstairs (still admiring my work and wondering what to tackle next) and that she should come on down.

Eyes still clouded with sleep, Jen comes down around the corner to look at me covered in paint, sitting on our step stool with tools and rags around my feet. Hey, I was excited! I had gotten a lot accomplished in those wee hours of the morning while she was sleeping and was ready to show it off.

With wide eyes, she looks at me as she realizes that I have been up all night doing Heaven-knows-what, and asks if I have been up all night what did I do. Like a proud Mama, I point to the bathroom and said, "I got it all done!" "What did you get all done? The painting?", she asks. "Nope! The whole bathroom!" Her look said it all: it was part horror, part astonishment, and relief. Her only words after looking at the bathroom...

Go to bed!

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Suicide Awareness/ Voices of Education

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