Happy Halloween

Halloween. It is one of my favorite holidays. Why? Because I can pretend I am anyone, anyone but myself. This is the one day that I can put on a mask, actual or imagined, and be someone else. Someone who doesn't have Bipolar and struggles through her days. Instead, I can be a famous star, an obscure monster, a superhero, an inanimate object, or anything I can think up in my head.

It's all smoke and mirrors, not real. Many times people do not understand what it is like to have Bipolar: the highs, the lows, the effort to make it through the day. Putting on a show for people is easier than being the real me. Growing up, that is what we were taught. Life is pretty, life is good, there are no arguments, only sunshine and roses. Always show the world your bright side. Never expose what's in the shadows, this is private and should be concealed, even from the family. And it was not up for discussion.

Reinventing myself was a part of my day-to-day life. I needed to be the consummate daughter, giving the world the performance I thought my parents' expected. When I was disconsolate and we went to an event, I assumed the role of a carefree butterfly, flitting through the crowd, connecting, and making conversation. What I really wanted to do was crawl into the darkness under the covers and pretend the world didn't exist. I got very good at putting on masks. There were times that even I believed my own pretense.

My Halloween costumes have never been elaborate. I think of things way ahead of time and then tend to forget all my great ideas when it comes time to make them. For instance,  I was Charlie Chaplin four years in a row. It wasn't that I hadn't thought of other ones, I had, cool ones too. Basically, it was easier than putting effort into a new one. I knew what it took to make the Chaplin costume and had most of the stuff already. Besides, I am also kind of a perfectionist. A different costume leaves room for errors, but using one that I had already done eliminated that problem from the equation. I also adored him and his body of work.

At this point in my life I think I am finally learning that the people who surround me appreciate me for the person I have become; not for who I could be. This is a concept that's taken a long time for me to understand. My habits of shutting people out are very ingrained, but little by little I am peeling away those masks.

So, this Halloween, have fun being someone else for a bit, but never forget who you really are. YOU are unique. There will never be another YOU, so savor your "you-ness".