Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Sensory Overload Part II

Hear no evil...
I have found that this is the latest sensory attack that I struggle with and it has gotten worse quickly. When going shopping, I try to stick to early hours when few people are around. The same goes for my working hours. There is less chance of running into an issue with sudden and loud noises.

Working in a kitchen, there is a lot of chaos and noise: pots clanging, people yelling, doors shutting, and the steady thrum of the dishwasher are just a few that are encountered daily. When I first started in the business, these were some of the most calming, reassuring sounds that I could hear. All was right in my world. After being hospitalized, I tried to go back into that environment and found it was a nerve-racking, anxiety-enducing cluster f***. How had I worked in all that noise?! Within minutes I was shaking, unable to put together complete sentences because I couldn't think clearly, and felt as if I had been run through a washing machine. No more! I needed to find another line of work and I needed to find it quickly. (*NOTE: after talking with my therapist about this, we were wondering if this is actually because of the noise OR if the thought of going back into the kitchen and being unsure if I could do the job caused anxiety and panic attacks. Either way, it signaled the end for me.)

Now, I stock shelves in the early morning hours when there are few guests around and very little noise. While I really enjoy my co-workers and the job I do, it is tough to think about where I was and where I am now. I know that I am being hard on myself and that it hasn't been very long since my hospitalizations, but it is a bitter pill to swallow when the thing I loved doing most is now the thing that can trigger events that could send me back into the hospital. My previous life doesn't seem real, more like something from a bad dream.

We had several issues with the fire alarm at work. Talk about freak out moments! Like a well-placed knife to the eardrums it becomes head-splitting. The first time I went running out of the store holding my ears shut on the verge of tears. It was so obviously distressing to me that several of my co-workers actually came out to check and see if I was okay. That was embarrassing and a bit comforting too. We've had a few times where the alarm malfunctioned and went off for most of our shift (4 hrs). Sudden alarm tests throughout the month send over the edge and out the door, no matter where I am. Since then I've gotten smarter, I keep ear plugs in my work bag and head for them at the first sound of the alarm.

When kids come into the store or if I go shopping where kids are present, I try to stay away from them. Their squealing, screaming, and crying drills right into my brain. It makes my skin crawl, I sweat, and need to make a quick exit to another spot or leave altogether. Don't get me wrong here, I really enjoy children. I adore my nieces, nephews, and friends' kids. My life would be far less colorful and fulfilling without them. It is the chaos and noise that comes along with them that is hard for me to deal with. Generally I leave the area or plug in a set of headphones and listen to music to get me through what I need to do.

Sometimes the noise will be so bad in the middle of my shopping trip, I will leave a partially-full cart in the aisle and leave the store. I feel bad for those workers who encounter a cart of semi-thawed items, but I have to keep myself sane. That is my primary directive, to stay sane and healthy.

Well, this has been fun. We should do it again soon, although it seems as if I've done all the talking. How about you? Have any smells or sounds that give you problems or send you over the edge? I'd like to know what they are and how you deal with it.


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