Awake

How can it be that I miscalculated the necessary medication I need for sleep? Or that I can easily take a mid-morning nap, be stumbling tired at bedtime and not be able to fall asleep? Well, I went to bed early yesterday, but the new year still made it here. Now tonight I am wide awake while my fiance sleeps soundly in bed. It is crazy to think that a single medication can have such an effect on one's sleep.

The holidays always seem to mess me up. Strange sleep patterns, irregular work schedules, and dealing with family dynamics is enough to make me run to the bed and hide under the covers until it is all done. It was no different this year, except that we've added a wedding ceremony and the planning of said event to our to do list. Then, of course, in the midst of all this, I screw up my medication regime. I guess I need a personal assistant, no not Siri, a real live person, who says, "hey, you need to go get those meds today, unless you want to be awake for a couple days straight." Who am I kidding? I've got the meds set up in containers for the week, set the low or empty bottles on the counter to call for a refill, refill by phone/internet, get reminder calls when they are ready to pick up at the pharmacy, and have it in my phone's scheduler, yet I still manage to forget.

It's not as if I don't know the consequences of missing my medication. Sometimes it just seems as if my brain drops the call and then tells me there's no signal. I call them "brain farts", but actually it feels like temporary amnesia. Whether you remember again remains to be seen, and the more it happens the more I lose, which leaves frustrating memory gaps and things I know are there and should be able to recall, and are tantalizingly out of my grasp.

Right now, that's how it is with sleep, within reach of my fingertips, and oh so elusive, like trying to grab hold of a cloud. I can hear the pups, quietly wup, wup, wupping, running after some sort of prey, and Jen lightly snoring along side them in the bed. All of this is happening without me, as I sit in my 1960's corduroy swivel rocker writing this post. What I wouldn't give to be tucked under the blanket snuggling one of the pups.

It never gets easier, each day is its own struggle. There are times when you think you've finally gotten a handle on an issue and another pops-up out of nowhere. If you don't keep trying then you're dying. So, on I go...better at least attempt to sleep, I've got a busy day ahead.

Ah, to sleep, perchance to dream... - Shakespeare, I believe.