I have to say that this past week has been quite rough. Sunday, January 12th was the start of a two-week overnight store remodel. It wasn't mandatory, but I was sought out and specifically asked by both of my Assistant General Managers to assist in this project. I’m part of a 15 member team and there are only four of us that are of the female persuasion. This is a large remodel, affecting about a third of the store and three of the largest departments. It was an all-hands-on-deck type of project.
After being hospitalized and utilizing therapy, I understand more about why I've had issues with co-workers, management, family, and staying on task. I was ill-equipped to handle the day-to-day pressures of the work environment. For me, communicating with others was difficult. It was easier to show them rather than trying to “use my words,” which often left me stammering, searching, or speechless and absolutely frustrated. Emotionally, everything was black or white, love it or hate it, happy or sad, with no gray area in-between. When things are such polar opposites for so long, it is hard to find that middle ground. Being OCD, I could see how stuff fit together into a bigger picture, but it also meant that I wanted (and still want) to fix those items that I see screwing up the process of getting tasks aligned and getting us to the final objective.
I knew that this two-week remodel would be tough because usually employees put in anywhere between 45-60 hours a week. It has been several years since I have worked anything close to a full-time, 40-hour work week. Add on the stressors of working overnights, with people I don’t really know, lack of proper sleep, and shifting medications and those stressors go up exponentially. My therapist and psychiatrist aren't happy about it, but understand that reaching for a goal is part of personal growth. The fact that it is only two weeks, if it doesn't work I can go back to morning stock the next shift, and that I have promised to do everything I can to stay mentally healthy makes it an acceptable risk (just not happy).
To get things rolling, I needed to switch when I took my meds. That meant taking night meds in the morning and day meds in the evening. I also rearranged my sleep schedule, sleeping through the day so I could be up all night. Changing my sleep schedule also meant that I would see less of Jen for two weeks. If you've read any of my previous posts, you know that she is my rock. I don’t like our time together to be interfered with, because it is part of what keeps me mentally healthy and balanced. She calls me out when something is going awry and together we work to adjust and fix it.
Halfway through the first overnight, I was ready to call it quits. After working in multiple kitchen environments, I thought that there wasn't much that could shock or disturb me. For the record, I just want to state that I was completely wrong about that notion. The guys on the team were vulgar, obscene, and more profane than all of the kitchens I've worked in combined (and there have been many of them). What unsettled me even more was the fact that we still had customers shopping in the store while this was happening. Don’t get me wrong, I am no prude when it comes to vulgarity, obscenities, and a good dirty joke; working in a professional kitchen tends to bring out and accentuate that side of a person. However, like many things, there is a time and a place for it. I mean, would you talk that way in front of your mother or other older relatives, probably not. For them it seems that all of their filters for what is socially acceptable were left at home.
By the time I got home, I was over-stimulated and on sensory overload. All I could think about were a good “night's” sleep and some peace and quiet. A bit of each happened, but I wasn't the only one in the household whose schedule got messed-up; Jen slept very little and Da Boys were also restless on the first night. Everyone in our home needed R & R, not just me. It was going to be a long two-week stint if this was any indication. Luckily, things have settled out for most everyone. For me, I got progressively more tired as the week went on, sleeping longer and eating less. I struggled a lot with managing sleep, time with Jen, and eating.
We finished our first week of the remodel on Friday morning. I could not have been happier that we reached that milestone and I left the store to head home. My brain was fried, my body felt heavy and ached, and to top it all off, I was too tired to even know whether or not I was hungry. The only thing I wanted was sleep and lots of it. I was in bed by 8 am and didn't wake up until Jen woke me up at 8 am this morning. That was 24 hours of sleep and I still felt like I could sleep for another 24.
Now though, what I want to do is cry. Why? Because I’m tired as hell, emotionally drained, and have another week of this crap left to go. I know I should be proud of myself for persevering, but I just can’t do it right now. Maybe sometime in the future I’ll have a better attitude as I look back, its not going to happen while I’m in the midst of the project. This remodel has also shown me that I am still unprepared and a long way from being ready to work, let alone look for, a full-time job. Again, I know I should be proud of myself for how far I've come; I’m finding it difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it seems like a never-ending uphill battle.
Perspective, that’s what it all comes down to right? Talk to you in a week or so...
